IN THE NEWS!

IN THE NEWS: [WHO THOUGHT UP THESE HEADLINES?!]



Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

THINK Before You Publish

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (complete with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:






The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones..
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Acceptance Is The Key

Es Verdad

Feelin' The Pain

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

(Must Read Out Loud)

1) That’s not right............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.......................................Kum Hia
4) Small Horse..................................Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go the beach........................Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped the coffee table..................Ai Bang Mai Ni
7) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
8) It’s very dark in here.........................Wai So Dim
9) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) This is a tow away zone......................No Pah King
11) Our meeting is scheduled for next week....Wai Yu Kum Nao
12) Staying out of sight.........................Lei Ying Lo
13) He’s cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great.........................................Dat Su Pah